I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
