yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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