im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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