She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
