Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
