Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
