Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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