im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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