Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
