Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize