I hate your face
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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