So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
a search helicopter?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
