In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
