if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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