What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
