My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
