We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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