i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
