forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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