My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize