everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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