Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
there's paper in my vomit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
