Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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