There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
God I need to hump something, right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize