I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
