dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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