chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
