Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
