I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
