mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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