I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
