Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
