Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
