then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
