If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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