PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize