I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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