I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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