I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
