I hate your face
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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