i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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