He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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