this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
