I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's shark week go big or go home
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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