Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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