The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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