Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
