that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
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