I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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