I will die if light touches me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
