Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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