I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize