Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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