I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
