I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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