It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
