I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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