Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
