I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize