Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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