so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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