I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
