Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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