Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
