Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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