My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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