Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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