I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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