could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
